Friday, January 12, 2007

Misery knows me by name

Last week I was all gung ho to work and work, then maybe enjoy life a little. Then this week hit, it started out ok your typical week but by Thursday night I have heard from five different people that they are pregnant and two others are getting married. I am delighted for them all, wish them the best of luck and only have good thoughts for their futures. My problem is sitting alone at night surfing the net and seeing happy women with men or baby bumps and it hits so hard I can do nothing but cry. I am so jealous that I feel physically ill, and when I thought I had cried it out of my system a new wave of tears hit me harder than before. I cried off and on for a good three hours last night the pain almost physical like someone had kicked me in the gut.

Why, should I let this bother me- you may ask and I have asked myself that exact same question more times than I care to admit. The answer is frighteningly simple that is what I have always wanted. Even when my hip fusion at fourteen was just an idea and they asked me how I felt about it my reply- quote from my diary I don't care just as long as I can have children naturally.

Poor, silly naive me to think that just because a doctor says I would that it would actually happen. All through high school I was the one teased that I would get pregnant first, just before graduation two friends got pregnant. When twenty-two rolled around and I still hadn't held hands with a man never mind get pregnant another friend had a baby and got married.

From then on as each new year past I bit nails and prayed for a miracle - attempting to date, the bar scene, being hooked up- of course none of it worked out and boy could I tell you some horror stories of how I was treated or looked upon but now isn't the time. 2006 was supposed to be the year that I had my hip replaced and could go on and have some semblance of a life. Sadly this didn't happen- well the replacement happened and my surgeon says that it looks great. But now my other hip has decided to let me know it needs work too. Which means that there is more surgery in my furture- but still no baby or even a man.

So here I sit in the beginning of 2007, at the age of twenty-seven wondering if things will ever get better. At least I have my Gary Oldman movies but is it so wrong to want more?

Posted by Contessica :: 12:54 PM :: 0 Comments:

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